Retailers Compete To See Who Can Fill The Most Landfills in 2022

Landfill Filler of The Year Contestants

With the holiday season approaching, major retailers are in a race to see who can fill the most landfills during the 2022 holiday season. Major retailers such as Walmart, Costco, and Target are known for providing subpar products to customers which typically end up in a landfill within a year from the date of purchase. “We have a lot of confidence in our ability to fill the most landfills with our products,” said Walmart spokesperson Fred Smith. “We have won this competition year after year and we are looking forward to seeing who else can top us.”

Target is confident that they can top Walmart this year and they are looking forward to the challenge. “We are going to crush them,” said Target CEO Brian Cornell. “Our products are so cheaply made that we can barely sell them for what it costs us to produce them, but that is okay because we know they will end up in a landfill within a few months. We aren’t here to make money anyway, we are just here to fill as many landfills as possible.” Brian then went on to announce a new brand of disposable one-time-use clothing called ‘Shatz Clothing’.

“We’re trying to win this bet,” said Costco CEO Craig Jorgenson. “We have a few strategies in place to help us win. We have an entire division dedicated to just placing orders for useless items with premium-looking packaging in an effort to ensure that our customers will make the unnecessary purchase. We also have a plan to give every customer at least one item they don’t need. Everyone knows that nobody needs a gift card, especially if it is for Amazon, but we think we can get people throwing those things out just so they don’t have an ugly plastic card sitting around their house on the coffee table. It will be great for us and terrible for the environment.”

The retail giants are also taking a page out of the McDonald’s playbook. They have both agreed to implement a “disposable” policy in their stores. “We will be introducing some new items that we expect people to order and then throw away,” said Jorgenson. “We will be adding more plastic straws, more single-use plastic bags, and more disposable cups that we can give to our customers during every transaction. We will even have some new products that are designed specifically to be thrown away. For example, we will be offering a brand new toolset that comes with everything except the bit holder, which is where you are supposed to put the screwdriver bit when you are done using it. Another product is an air freshener that doesn’t work at all and comes with instructions on how to dispose of it properly in a landfill.”

This year’s competition will be fierce as many consumers are weary of spending due to the looming recession. While all three companies are confident of their chances, they also know that they need some good luck on their side as well. When asked if he had any doubts about winning, Jorgenson replied with a sharp laugh, “Of course I have doubts,” said Jorgenson. “We’re hoping that people will be drawn in by the look and feel of the packaging and then accidentally order a product that they don’t need. It will be like a dollar menu, but you won’t need to eat it. You can just throw it away.” Results of the competition are expected to be published after Q1 2023.

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