NEW YORK— In a shocking twist to the discovery of a 14-foot reticulated python on the side of a road in New York, authorities revealed that the snake belongs to none other than Mayor Bill de Blasio. “We apologize for any inconvenience or alarm this may have caused to the public, but we assure you that the python is harmless and well-trained,” said a spokesperson for the mayor’s office, adding that the snake, named Fluffy, had escaped from the mayor’s residence during a routine feeding. “The mayor loves his pet and considers him a part of his family.

He is very relieved that Fluffy was found safe and sound, and he thanks the brave officers who captured and returned him.” The spokesperson also denied rumors that the mayor had acquired the python illegally or that he had used it to intimidate or dispose of his political opponents. “That’s absurd and baseless. The mayor is a responsible and compassionate snake owner who follows all the laws and regulations regarding exotic animals. He has never harmed anyone with his python, and he never will.”

The spokesperson added that the mayor plans to take Fluffy to a local zoo for a check-up and a public appearance, where he hopes to raise awareness and appreciation for reptiles.